Tangled Up In Blue

OH MY GOSHHH!!!

Picture this…Long hard day at work, your boss gives you a hard time and you are in a terrible mood.  Or maybe you even have a great day.  You got that account you’ve been working on or nailed the big presentation.  Either way, can’t wait to get in your house, kick your feet up and watch reruns of Seinfeld.

BUT WAIT!!! You open your front door, and some total assholes built a computer store in your God damn living room.  I’m supposed to be happy about this?  Sirs, you destroyed the living room! I’ve worked hard on this place, it was JUST how I liked it.  You decide to build shelves and desks, and then you brought in 30 PCs so I can decide which one I want to buy?  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v24xXfX4e44

I’d rather come home to this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZtxBZ9D5sI

My left calf is ready to be in the blu-ray directors cut edition of 300.  My right calf is ready to be in an advertisement welcoming old folks to Del Boca Vista.  

My right leg will be back.  Not soon, but it will be back.  I feel like I’ve betrayed all of my muscles in it.  They haven’t been used in months.  They feel like the toys from Toy Story 3.  I went off to college without them. I left them to either be killed by a giant baby and scary scented bear or collect dust in the attic.  Or even worse, get caught in that giant fiery death trap at the dump (that movie was way too scary for kids). 

Thankfully, I started paying attention to them recently. Physical therapy has me focusing on these neglected old friends…special shout out to my hamstring yo!

Even though my leg looks like a stunt double for Ally McBeal, I think I am starting to see some improvements.  

There are worse things out there than broken appendages.  This I am learning quickly.  Life is pretty good.  (Billy Madison face squeeze) Ya gotta cherish it!!!

Fantasy Football

Today I tried to explain fantasy football to a 62 year old eye doctor from Ohio.  She had no idea what I was talking about, and I stuttered through an awkward 2 minute explanation.  At the end of it, I think she knew less than before I started.  Picture explaining what a kaleidoscope is to a blind dude.  Or, explaining what Lost is about to someone that has never seen an episode of Lost (I actually can’t think of anything tougher than that right now, thats basically impossible).

So as I explained… quarterbacks, wide receivers, running backs, beer, wings, points for TD’s, etc.  She continued to have no idea, but she was happy for me that I had some sort of event to attend.  

Regardless if this woman understands fantasy football or not, Me and 11 of my college buddies have a draft this Saturday at Hooters.  Get ready for some womanizing, inappropriate comments and debauchery.  When I made the reservation I made sure to ask for the most secluded area as possible to avoid any confrontations with other patrons.  Someone will puke, fuck will be said exceptionally loud on more than one occasion, and I will be embarrassed.

Here we go.

Hurricane, really?

This thing has to be hyped up.  Right?  I mean, we are in NYC.  People live here so we don’t have to deal with shit like earthquakes and hurricanes.  Thats the only reason like, 85% of people live in New York.  My apartment is located in Zone C on this map of who is ultimately, the most fucked. Out of the three versions of fuckedness, I am the least danger.  However, the scale below provides other evidence resulting in my termination.

If god really decides to spark this candle in our safe haven of bars, buildings and restaurants, I have to be in the bottom percentage of people with odds for survival.

Hurricane Odds of Survival Scale (HOSS)

Below 40 Years of Age - 98%

Between 40-60 - 90%

Above 60 - 70%

Being in Zone A and remaining in home - 50%

HAVING ONE LEG! - 3%

 (% chance of surviving)

Thats right folks, in this highly used, go to scale for all scientists, I fall into that grim 3%.